Behind the Smile...

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

 I've thought about this post a lot. I feel like I've written it in my head 537 times. I will admit that I'm throwing myself a bit a pity party here, but these feelings are very real and this is MY space to write about whatever I want. I started this blog for "us" so we could look back on all of our happenings and to remember exactly how things were at certain points in our life. I never imagined that so many people would end up reading this. I so much appreciate all of my readers and followers, but please feel free to skip this pity party post. I'm only writing it to get it out of my head and with high hopes that getting it out on "paper" will make me feel better.

I've had so many compliments on how well I'm handling this "situation" and my positive outlook, so I think I owe to all of you to tell you a bit more...what exactly is behind that smile. It's hard...most days are not rainbows and butterflies around here. I must do a pretty good job of putting my best face on for the world and forcing a smile, and some days are good but others...well...

Let's begin with my overwhelming fear of delivering this baby too soon. I hope and pray that we make it far enough to avoid all complications of prematurity, but we don't know for certain this will happen. Right now, things seem to be "stable" but I know all too well how quickly that can change. Will it happen to me? I don't know...and it's driving me insane. Every single time my contractions pick up, which has been happening quite a bit lately, I this it? Will we be able to stop it this time? Just last night, after 3 hours of contractions about 10 minutes apart...I was laying in bed in a total panic about my water breaking too soon...that would be it...the turning back if that happens. Just the thought of this happening at 31 weeks is put it lightly.

But more than anything...I've been consumed with thoughts about how our life will soon change. All of our lives. Adding another child to our family is going to change everything! To be honest, it already has...tremendously.

 {Please understand that we prayed for this child and don't get me wrong, she is very much wanted and loved already.}

I feel like these are normal feelings, right? The anxiety about adding a second child to the mix. How will Meyer react? How will I take care of two babies by myself everyday and be able to give them equal attention? How can I possibly love another child as much as I love Meyer? How will Andy and I ever have time for "us"? I know that families do this all the time and everything always works out just fine. I myself have two brothers. My parents did it. I never even noticed when my little brother was added to the mix, and I can't imagine my family without all three of us. I don't feel neglected or that my parents didn't have enough love to spread evenly. So why am I stressing about this? Like really stressing! 

It's definitely not helping that for the majority of this pregnancy I have been on bedrest and unable to care for Meyer. This has been THE hardest thing I have ever had to deal with...hands down. It's not fair and at times, I'm mad...mad that Meyer has to go through it. This is supposed to be the time where him and I are enjoying the lasts months of it being "just the two of us". I always pictured us doing special things together these last couple of months. He and I are being robbed of this time and it's just not fair. It honestly rips my heart out hearing him cry for mommy. "Mommy hold you peas." and "Mommy can hold you...just real quick." I can't take it anymore! 

He doesn't even know what's coming. Sure, we talk about baby sissy and he is quick to love on my belly. He asks if he can touch her and hold her when she comes out and seems very excited, but I'm no dummy. I know that we will have rough patches when she arrives. He's 2 years old and doesn't completely grasp what is about to happen. I literally tear up at the thought of his sweet little face when he walks into the hospital room and sees HIS mommy holding another baby. Will I be able to emotionally handle this? 

What will it be like when we come home? Right now, it's "The Meyer Show" around here. Everything we do all day long is about him. He doesn't have to share his toys, his time or his mommy and daddy. Little things we do together that he loves so much will inevitably change. Some days Meyer and I will snuggle for hours in bed in the morning and on the couch after his nap. This will be no more with a newborn around. Will he understand when I have to sit down for what could be 30-45 minutes to nurse his sister? Unable to just get up at his every request. Just thinking about his sad little face breaks me down. 

As if this anxiety about the future isn't enough, let's pile on the guilt I feel now. At least once a day, I am consumed with guilt. Guilt about my mom and mother in-law taking almost complete care of Meyer 5 days a week. I know in my head that there is no option and I also know that he is there grandchild and they are willing to do anything for him, but it doesn't make me feel better. I know it's tough stuff taking care of a 2 year old all day matter how much you love them! I feel horrible that Andy then comes home from work and is responsible for everything. Especially because he's stuck with a completely OCD wife who is sitting on the couch trying so hard to just let him do it, but sometimes just has to pipe in with her opinion about just exactly HOW to do it. I always hate myself afterwards because in all honesty he does an amazing job with Meyer and all the housework. I have nothing to complain about. Yet here I am...complaining.

If you're still can totally stop. I know this is getting ridiculous, but it's truly what consumes my mind most days.

I'm so excited to welcome our little miss into our family, but scared at the same time. I hope I will be able to look back on this post and laugh at myself. I know I's just hard to picture right now. One thing I do know for certain is...we are truly blessed and I'm extremely thankful for the gifts we have been given. This pregnancy has been tough but could have been much much worse. We could have lost our little girl early on, but God decided that was not in His plan and I'm forever grateful.

My truly amazing doctor (seriously, you should meet this woman) sent me this bible verse the evening we found out about the clot. I think I repeat this in my head a million times each day.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

I literally cry my eyes out every time I watch this video, but I just had to make it. It will always be a reminder of what my life was like with just my sweet boy. We have had a wonderful 2 years and I can't wait to see what the future holds.

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9 Responses to “Behind the Smile...”

  1. First, I think it would be totally strange if you were handling all of this with a happy face all the time! You sound completely normal and reasonable to me! Know that we're all praying for you and your little miss out here in bloggy land. :-)

    I just brought home my little girl last week and have been having the same feelings towards her addition to our family that you describe. My son has had my 100% attention for the past 2.5 years and it breaks my heart to not be able to continue meeting his every need when he has them. Just the other day he came up to me while I was nursing, hugged my legs and said "I miss you soooo much". I just started sobbing. Hormones don't help. :-)

    Despite moments like this, I know that he will love his sister in no time and will never know our family without her - just like you said. The adjustment is just that, an adjustment. We'll get through it and our sons will be better for it in the end!

    Vent all you want. You can do it!

  2. Katie do not feel bad one bit...I had these same emotions, and I didn't have the clot or pre-term labor to worry about. It is a hard adjustment at the beginning having the newborn and a toddler but it gets easier, and I know you have family around to help which will be such a blessing. I cried too thinking Nolan wouldn't have his mommy to your feelings are totally normal! Plus with everything else you had to deal with...bed rest...I mean I do not know how you do it! I'm praying for you guys!

  3. Awe sweetie, all these emotions are totally normal. Your whole situation has to be scary and I think your handling it really well. I think Meyer will adjust just fine. With me I thought Keira would be the one who would be jealous and very clingy cause she's so attached to me and its been the total opposite, she's adjusted really well and wants to help and thinks the baby is her's. So I think Meyer will be just fine and you'll find a way to split your time. I'm continuing to pray for you guys!

  4. what an amazing video! I love it!!! I think you are totally normal to feel that way, to be terrified, to be excited, to be nervous, all at the same time. i am praying for you & will continue to do so. in no time flat, you will be looking at your sweet girl wondering what life was like without her!

  5. Oh Katie, you have me in tears.
    My heart hurts for you that you are feeling this way. All of the thoughts and emotions you are feeling are to real and so normal and I am so glad that you shared them. I hope getting them out makes you feel better! Meyer is one blessed little boy and with all the love he gets each day, I really think this transition will be smooth for him.
    I am continuing to pray for you guys guys, baby girl and Meyer Man!!

  6. TOTALLY normal fears. I was pertrified that I wouldn't know how to love B like I did C. I was so emotional when we left for the hospital because it was the last time as a threesome. Then was B was born and cried a million times more than I did with Cullen because at that moment, your heart grows so much. And then grows even more when you see the two interact together. I can only imagine with the extra pressures you have faced that it has been tough. Hang in there!

  7. Katie- I don't have any words that can make you feel better and I can't offer any advice but i do think all of you feelings are 100 percent normal! I know I will feel the exact same way when I'm pregnant with number two. You are such an amazing momma and I have no doubt that Meyer knows that you love him with all of you heart and soul, even if you can't do everything for him right now. That video is just precious and I am sitting here crying like a big ol' baby! :) Hugs to you friend. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers!

  8. Oh, Momma... I am definitely praying for you. Change is never easy, and especially when things don't go the way you thought they would in your head... I can't imagine being confined to bedrest and being forbidden to contribute to the things that you want to do the most. That, for any mommy, is complete and utter torture. And on top of that, you are fighting for the health of your sweet baby girl. That's a LOT of responsibility for anyone to take on... You are a fantastic mommy. One of the best that I "know". Everything will find a way to work out the very best it can, because you will strive to make sure that it does. THAT is what makes all of the difference. Hugs to you!

    PS, Love that video... One of my favorite songs.

  9. Oh girl! You are completely normal for feeling all of these things. I would be mad, too! Sometimes our faith grows the most in times like this, because that is the only thing we have to rely! Here's the thing that I didn't realize with Connor right before we had Cade. He totally understood more than I thought. They are smart boys...sometimes too smart for their own good! But once Cade got here he was just so excited to see him and be able to touch him that he wasn't too concerned with him not getting as much attention. Also, the great thing about newborns is they sleep all the time, which gives you a great opportunity to have one on one time with big brother! As far as the while you nurse, sit with him and play a game while you do it, watch a little tv show. You can still focus on him while nursing the baby! He will understand that you might not be able to get up and get him something, but I promise it won't be as bad as you're imagining! In fact, just the other day, Connor crawled up in the chair with me while I was feeding Cade and sat in my lap, too :) the only bad thing that I have had happened since Cade has been born was at the hospital. I don't know if Connor was scared of me being in the big bed or what, but he would have nothing to do with me. I BAWLED because I thought I was losing him. Hello, hormones!!! As soon as we got home he was fine! Lastly, start thinking of some fun mommy, daddy, Meyer dates and make a list of them. It will give you something positive and fun to look forward to (besides having sweet baby girl, of course. I also promise that you won't be able to remember life without her. Meyer made you a momma and that wil always be special, but these 2nd babies transform you just as magically somehow!) praying for you during this exciting yet very emotionally trying time!